Sexual problems in relationships
I live and work in Lisbon, a melting pot of cultures and languages. This is fertile soil for intercultural romantic connections. The immediate attraction of two opposites can be powerful, but the polarities may represent a challenge down the road. Different languages, values and customs can be hard to maneuver and potentially create relational friction.
Having worked in big international cities like New York, Miami and Lisbon, hundreds of couples (many crosscultural) have passed through my office. The age range spans from early twenties to the seventies.The problems relating to sex for these couples are numerous and colorful and here I will address five of the most common reasons that couples seek my help;
Lack of sex.
While the “honeymoon” was one long juicy encounter, it slowly dried up and then became none. By the time they come to me the sexual disconnect is so big that it feels awkward to even try having sex. Why is it so hard to maintain the sexual connection? Arousal and attraction thrives on novelty. When the novelty wears off, you have to find another source of attraction. It is very important not to try to recreate what you had when you first met, but rather create something new and discover each other in a different way. Ideally the initial lust has now transformed into love and intimacy which can feed the attraction and desire. But depending on your history and associations, love and/or intimacy can also be an obstacle.
The combination of intimacy and sex can be a challenge for some, in which case sex can be amazing initially, but as soon as there is intimacy, the fire dies. This can be rooted in unhealed trauma (not necessarily sexual trauma) from the past. If this is the case and it emerges in the therapy room, we have to acknowledge and address it as part of the process. Depending on the severity of the trauma, the person in the couple who suffered in the past may have to get individual help.
Another reason that the sex dries up is quite simply life, as in stress (stress and connected sex is a bad combination). The source of stress can be work, finances and family, or, not to forget; moving. The latter is a huge source of stress especially if a couple decides to move to a new location or even a new city or country. This is something I see quite often in Lisbon. In some instances, a couple may have had a long distance relationship and decide to move together to Lisbon. Suddenly the excitement of distance is replaced by the relentless togetherness in a confined space. Seeing each other 24/7 in all shapes and forms of the human condition is not necessarily sexy and thus the sex dwindles.
You really get to know each other. The first impression and idea of who you were is fading. Now you truly see who you have in front of you, and you are reluctant to get close. Maybe the manly man was hiding a “scared little boy” while the sexy woman is now unmasking a rigid, sour person – thus, there is no sex.
Erectile difficulties
Erectile difficulties are quite common among men of all ages . It is not easy to be a man in today’s world and the pressure shows up like a dumbbell on the penis. In the majority of the cases, the erectile problem is a mind&body issue and I always emphasize the importance of a supportive partner to solve the problem. The erectile issue can, among other reasons, show up when intimacy starts to emerge. While in the beginning sex was casual and “safe” and everything worked well, a little later old issues are stirred up and manifest as flaccidity. If the partner takes the lack of erection personally, along with the man feeling frustrated and unsupported, the result is often an avoidance of sex.
Pain during sex
Pain during sex is another reason that sex subsides. While pain can happen to all genders, it is more common in women. As with erectile problems, this needs to be treated as an issue for the couple, not just for the person experiencing the pain. The support of the partner is essential in order to solve the problem. Ignoring the pain will not make it go away, and the sex will remain absent.
Different sexual preferences.
While at first sexual preferences are blunted by the bliss of the new relationship, little by little, old preferences may surface. If the sexual likings that are now presented are not appreciated by the partner, a gap between the partners may start to emerge. Disappointment and frustration percolate while the frequency of sex slows down and eventually comes to a stop. Now they need help to find a common ground.
Cultural and religious differences
One can grow up with a certain belief system and as an adult, either adhere to it or reject it, and everything is fine. Until one day there is an attraction to somebody with a different belief system. Gradually, the old beliefs start to seep through and create inner turmoil along with interpersonal friction. Now one feels lost and confused and the sexual connection starts dwindling away.
The key to resolve any of the above mentioned problems is to seek help sooner rather than later. The longer the conflict stays unresolved the harder it is to break out of dysfunctional patterns and create constructive changes.