What is the “Normal” Frequency of Sex?

Josh; “I talk to people, I read, and I know that it is normal for couples to have sex at least twice a week.” 

Iris; “And why would I want to have sex with you even twice a year, you are obsessed with sex, and you just want it because it makes you feel strong and manly, you don’t even care about how I feel.” 

Therapist; “Ok, time out, stop.”

This very heated interaction transpired some years ago in my New York City office during their first visit for sex therapy. Josh and Iris* had been married for eight years and their fights had escalated to such an extent  that they were pondering divorce. Sex therapy was their last resort.

The Question of what is “Normal”

The question of what is the “normal” frequency of sex is an issue for couples of all ages, genders and sexual orientations. When asked about this, I always start with, to most people’s dismay; “It depends.” First we have to consider under what circumstances we are defining “normal.” Are we talking about “normal” during a pandemic where you are locked up together 24/7, and can’t even stand looking at each other? Or does “normal” refer to when you are lounging in a beautiful vacation spot? Or is “normal” when both of you come home after a 13 hour work day and can barely muster up the energy to eat?

The next issue that needs clarification is the definition of “normal.” According to the dictionary, the word normal means conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected. In a sexual context, who has the authority to define what is standard, usual or typical for your sex life?  Your country, church or neighbors? I hope none of them are given that power. 

Finally, we have to define sex. This has been a topic of debate for many years, and the question has been kindled by the fact that various famous people have tried to avoid public shame or punishment by claiming that their intimate encounters could not be described as sex. 

Definition of Sex

Sex can include one, two, or more people. However, for the purpose of this article, I will discuss sex between two people, and define sex as an intimate encounter with an erotic intention- and intention is the key word here. This is a broad definition which provides ample options for what sex can look like. For example, it can be two people holding hands, two bodies meeting skin to skin, a hand stroking a face, clothed bodies connecting, naked bodies meeting, genitals merging, a genital being pleasured by a hand or mouth, the greetings of feet or two people sharing erotic fantasies. As you can see from these few examples, the possibilities for sexual pleasure are endless as long as the intention is the main signifier. Thus, the bottom line is that it is up to each and every one of you to define what sex is to you, and thus save yourself from the stress of fitting into the box of what’s “normal,” be it in regards to frequency or style of sex. If you are compromising your truth in order to comply with “normal” in your society, you may end up depressed or with physical pain due to the repression of your needs and desires. 

“I don’t need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain.”Audrey Hepburn

Josh’s and Iris’s Background

As Josh and Iris explored their relationship in therapy, a number of factors that contributed to their difficulties surfaced. Their differences in cultures, upbringing and values influenced how they saw and defined sex. European Iris, who grew up with a single mother, fell in love with Josh’s strength and manliness, and American Josh, who had been raised by an abusive father and religious mother, fell in love with Iris’s sweetness and grace . For Josh, sex had become, early in his life, a place where he felt strong and powerful, and sex became a lifeline for him. He had a long list of sexual partners behind him before he met Iris.  Sex for Iris was about connection and love, and her sexual past included only men with whom she had had a romantic relationship. When they first met, Josh, a master in the act of seduction, had been very sweet and loving.  However, over time he fell back into his comfort zone of using sex as a way to feel empowered. This got worse when, three years into the marriage, he started his own business and the expected success failed to happen. With his business bleeding money he had to rely on Iris to support both of them. Growing resentment on both sides, on hers for having to take care of him monetarily and on his for feeling emasculated, manifested in his wanting more sex and in her shying away from him.  

The Therapy Process

Clearly, for Iris and Josh, as for most people with sexual problems, the real problem was not the sex per se. Sexual issues, which are concrete and palpable, are usually symptoms of deeper underlying disturbances. However, sex is a good place to start from as it tends to give quick access to what is underneath. 

“Sex is hardly ever just about sex.”Shirley MacLaine

After we had clarified that both Iris and Josh wanted to work on the relationship, but were not sure if there was any hope, we agreed that they would give it four months during which time they would fully commit to the relationship. After four months they would then reassess to see how they felt. That way they would not have to spend time and energy daily, thinking about whether they should stay or leave. 

For the next four months the three of us met weekly. I facilitated a process where Josh and Iris were given the opportunity to re-discover each other by listening, seeing, and respecting one another, and not to mention, talking honestly about sex. For Josh it was a big deal to discover how he had used sex to objectify women and empower himself, and how, unconsciously, he had used his sexual conquests to overcome his father’s dominance.  

After each session I assigned specific homework that gave them a structure for exploration, experimentation and discovery. Knowing that I was providing a framework for the homework, and that we would talk about their experiences the following week, made both of them feel safe to take risks and be vulnerable with each other. To their surprise, they discovered that what they thought they enjoyed in bed was not really true anymore, and a whole new sexual menu opened up for them.

The New “Normal”

Looking back at his sex history, Josh would shiver and shake his head in disbelief, and his idea of “normal” took an 180 degree turn. Both Iris and Josh took to heart the idea of sex as an act with an “erotic intention,” and they had some good laughs whenever they would mention to flabbergasted friends that they had sex at least twice a day. 

Their definition of sex expanded to include a simple caress, a look, foot massages, reading erotica together, holding each other, speaking about their fantasies, making love with or without penetration, role plays, power play and so on. The essence of what they referred to as sex was the erotic intention behind the action. 

Josh’s Healing

Josh in particular, became an advocate for his newfound broader definition of sex, and he would not hesitate to put his male friends in place if in conversation they referred to intercourse as normal. His previous idea of “normal” male behavior and “normal” sex was imprinted by his father, and reinforced by his male friends, the culture in which he grew up, and internet porn. As he became aware of how he had limited himself he went through a whirlwind of feelings; anger towards his father and the men he had grown up around, sadness of what he had missed, and guilt for what he had done to the many women that had crossed his path. Due to the depth of the trauma of being confined to the cage of “normal,” Josh entered his own therapy, separate from the couples’ therapy. With the help of a good Gestalt therapist, he gradually cultivated a deep emotional awareness and healed his emotional wounds.

Josh and Iris

At the end of the four months Iris and Josh were both confident that they were with the right partner. They understood that the relationship work was not finished, but a work in progress that they would need to keep up for as long as they were together.  As a “security check” they kept seeing me once a month for another year, by which time they felt they had good command of the acquired tools and would be fine on their own.

In Conclusion 

As human beings we are unique and creative creatures, and asking us to fit into a box of “normal” in regard to sex can bring nothing but emotional pain, relationhip problems, and even physical pain as a result of implosion. Sex offers us the most amazing stage for expression of creativity and love, and we owe it to ourselves to utilize this stage to the best of our ability in the short time we have on earth. Thus, preserve your physical and mental well being by giving yourself space and permission to explore, experiment and find out what is “normal” for you!!

*Names and identifying details have been changed to ensure anonymity