Anxiety and Sex

Jack is super excited, as he is getting ready for his date with Helen. They have seen each other for four weeks, and so far the conversations, the laughs and the making out have all been incredible. Tonight she has invited him over for dinner with the subtext that he can stay over. 

It has been almost a year since he was with a woman in bed. Since his last breakup, he has relied on pleasuring himself in front of his laptop.

After a delicious dinner and some wine, they head for the bedroom. As the clothes come off he is hot as one can be. Everything is flowing well until he suddenly starts thinking about his erection, and that he has to stay hard until he has made her happy. And before he knows it, he feels his erection fading and his stomach turning into a knot. His embarrassment is beyond words as he lunges for the bathroom while muttering some kind of excuse under his breath. Leaving Helen confused and hurt he collects his clothes and heads for the door.

What happened?

The above scenario exemplifies that you cannot think and have sex at the same time. There is nothing physically wrong with Jack, but the second he started to worry about lasting long enough, his anxiety got triggered, and he lost his erection. Jack’s erectile difficulty and other similar sexual issues such as premature or rapid ejaculation, lack of lubrication, and delayed or inhibited orgasm can all be rooted in anxiety.

What exactly is Anxiety?

Anxiety is an innate neurological mechanism that is designed to protect us from danger. It is a generalized fear without an actual object meaning; anxiety is an anticipation of future potential threats. Anxiety gets activated by any kind of stress, such as a thought of “what if,” and in Jack’s case this thought stopped him in his tracks. The physiological effects of anxiety are shallow breathing, a numbing of the senses, and a redistribution of blood to muscles, heart, and brain, and away from the genitals. 

What is the difference between Anxiety and Fear?

Fear is associated with a clearly identified imminent object; for example, a snake spider, cat, darkness, heights, flying, and so forth. Anxiety is fear of the unknown and is not attached to a specific object.  

Recognizing Anxiety

Many who struggle with some kind of sexual challenge might not recognize that anxiety is the underlying cause of the problems. While the concept of anxiety may be foreign or even associated with being weak or neurotic, I can assure you, there is nothing weak about having anxiety. Every great thinker that has ever lived was filled with anxiety. 

Anxiety per se is not a disorder, it is actually an asset that works to enhance your performance, be it as an athlete, artist, student, speaker, or lover. It is the level of anxiety that can be a problem. Thus, the key is to be aware of the anxiety and to manage it. The latter means to cultivate tools that enable you to keep the anxiety at the level where it optimizes your actions, versus where it paralyses you.

Fear and Anxiety in the Brain

The mechanisms underlying fear and anxiety are based in the brain, but manifest in the body. Fear and anxiety responses are both mediated by a “fear network,” which includes a number of brain regions. This fear network is active from the moment we are born because the system is essential for survival. When it is activated, this fine-tuned network produces an immediate brain-body response recognized as anxiety or fear. This response can include rapid heartbeat, cold sweaty hands, dry mouth, tight stomach, dizziness, nausea, and so forth. The Autonomic Nervous System, which is part of the fear network, is responsible for the physical experience.

 Autonomic Nervous System 

• The Autonomic Nervous System is a subdivision of the nervous system. It  works to maintain balance (homeostasis) in the body. It operates without our conscious control, and is divided into two subdivisions;
• Sympathetic Nervous System: the main function is to prepare the body for stressful or emergency situations— fight or flight.
• Parasympathetic Nervous System: the main function is to prepare the body for ordinary situations—rest and digest.
• All parts of the body i.e. heart, muscles, stomach, blood vessels, genitals, and so forth have nerve endings from both the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous system. In a relaxed, awake body the activation of these two systems is in optimal balance.

Stress Response

When you are faced with a situation that is new, challenging, or scary, the sympathetic nervous system (fight and flight) gets activated, while the parasympathetic part (rest and digest) goes quiet.  A typical example is Jack’s situation of being sexual for the first time with a new woman. The moment he started to worry about his erection lasting long enough, the sympathetic part got activated and created an anxiety (stress) response in the body. The brain interprets any stressor, in this case, the worry, as a danger, and clearly, when there is a danger it is not a good idea to have an erection. Thus, depending on where in the stages of arousal you are at, you will either lose the erection or ejaculate so that you can flee from the danger. 

Mechanisms of  Sexual Arousal

The autonomic nervous system has a major role in the physiology of your sexual arousal. For men, the parasympathetic division  (rest and digest) is mostly in charge of erection, while the sympathetic division (fight and flight) is in charge of ejaculation and flaccidity. For women, it is a bit more complex, but the parasympathetic part is mostly in charge of lubrication and vaginal expansion, while both the parasympathetic and sympathetic systems are involved in orgasm. 

In simpler terms this means that for men, sexual excitement directs the blood into the penis, while anxiety drains the blood away from it, resulting in a lack of or loss of erection. For women, lubrication is a result of enhanced blood flow to the vagina, which means increased blood pressure in the vaginal arteries. The lubricant is a result of blood plasma getting squeezed out of the blood vessels, thus, the stronger the blood flow, the more lubricant. If, for any reason, you are anxious, there is less blood flow to the genitals, and therefore, less pressure and less lubrication. Similarly, anxiety can make the muscles of the vaginal area tense up and cause pain during penetration. When, on the other hand, you are feeling safe and calm, the muscles relax and the vagina expands. 

Regulation of the Autonomic Nervous System

The regulation of the autonomic nervous system is unconscious. However, we can modulate its actions, first and foremost, through breathing.  For example, by breathing deeply into your belly, rather than shallowly into your chest, you are telling the brain that there is no danger and it is safe to get aroused. Secondly, it is essential to focus on the immediate experience, by which I mean, to learn to be present in the moment.  Key factors that can help balance the autonomic nervous system are; 

•     Deep Breathing
•     Being Present in the Moment
•     Physical and Mental Awareness
•     Meditation & Yoga

 

Practicing the above can provide tools to help you manage stress in all aspects of life. In relation to sexual issues, deep breathing and being present are essentials. However, in order to master those, the practice outside of sex is vital, just like you practice CPR before applying it in an accident. As it becomes second nature to breathe, be present in the moment and focus on the experience, your sex life will only get better while sexual problems will most likely cease to exist. 

In a Perfect World

Ideally, Jack would not have run away, but stayed to explore and explain what had just happened. However, due to a lack of understanding of what was underneath his physical symptom, he was overtaken by embarrassment and felt that he was failing as a man and lover. 

In a perfect world Jack would have said; “Ups, I just lost my erection. I started to worry about pleasing you, and the thinking took me away from the experience and I got soft. However, this is not a big deal. Let’s just relax a little and it will come back.  It has nothing to do with how I feel about you. I find you extremely attractive, but I have not had sex with a woman for over a year, and I guess I was kind of nervous about not being good enough for you.”

And the ideal response from Helen would be: “ Jack, I so appreciate your honesty. I understand how you feel. It has been a while since I was with a man as well, and I was a bit nervous too before we started. But you were so wonderful that my nervousness went away, and I was just enjoying myself so very much. Let’s chill a bit and if you want me to, I would be very happy to give you a hand if needed.”

I encourage you all to keep the above in mind if you ever find yourself in a similar situation. Life is short and it is hard to meet the “right” person. Therefore, if you do meet her/him, and the first sexual encounter is not “perfect,” please stay, talk, and try again!