Is It Normal?
When we suppress the truth it tends to come out sideways, and “sideways” frequently manifests as tension, anxiety and pain. A topic where the truth is frequently repressed is sex, and this, I believe, contributes greatly to the reason why so many people are suffering from various sexual problems eventually leading to pain.
“I love my husband, but I don’t want to have sex with him, is it normal?”
This question demands that we define love as well as sex. If “sex” refers to the repetitive action of intercourse, it might not be surprising that the desire for sex will dwindle, even if there is love. However, if we widen the definition of sex to mean physical connection and intimacy, the above question might not be as common.
The issue of normal rarely comes up when the conversation is about food, fashion or exercise. However, when it comes to sex, the question of normalcy comes up frequently. In situations where people are being held to a standard of “normal,” which they can’t achieve, a number of feelings associated with “failure,” such as shame, guilt, anxiety, anger or depression may emerge. If these feelings are left to fester, we might see emerging coping mechanisms such as isolation and/or substance abuse, as well as various physical symptoms (tics, twitches) and mysterious pain patterns.
What is it about sex?
What is it about sex that makes so many people wonder if what they are doing, or what they want to be doing, is normal? Numerous stigmas are attached to sex; influenced by countries, cities, communities, parenting, culture and religious beliefs. Thus, depending on the environment in which you grew up, the messages you received regarding sex were different.
Sex is not a common topic of conversation around most dinner tables, or in classrooms, and this silence is in itself conveying the message that sex is a taboo subject. Yet, it is something every child and teenager is inherently curious about. Many teens and young adults, scared of asking, are then left to their own devices to figure out whether their sexual actions and desires are normal or not.
As an adult, one punitive sex memo, stuck in your memory, can be enough to stop you in your tracks of sexual exploration, and in turn lead to suppression of your sexual curiosity and desires. This emotional repression may manifest as anxiety or depression or potentially show up as various physical pains such as digestive issues, headaches or muscle pain.
Am I normal?
The conventional idea of heterosexual intercourse as the normal form of sex is not cutting it for a large number of people in our contemporary society.
“I don’t like intercourse, am I normal”?
This statement is often associated with women, but in actuality it applies to some men as well. And yes, liking or not liking intercourse are both normal.
Intercourse and reproduction might be a good match, whereas intercourse and pleasure may not necessarily be compatible. Both emotional and physiological variables can intervene and prevent the act of intercourse from being a loving, pleasurable and fulfilling experience.
Nineteen-century psychoanalysts did a good job at pathologizing any sexual desires that diverted from male/female intercourse. Regrettably, many of the stigmas that originated at that time are still present today, in the 21st century, among mental health and medical professionals as well as lay people. Unfortunately, this has strengthened the myth of intercourse as the correct sexual thing to do, while weakened the idea of sex as a platform for pleasure, connection and play.
Orgasm
“I cannot have an orgasm during intercourse, am I normal?”
“I can only have an orgasm when I masturbate, is it normal?”
Not being able to let go of control, which orgasm requires, ties into trust and vulnerability, and believe it or not, this applies to all genders. The notion of feeling safe, when seen completely raw during climax, can be scary for many of you.
Some people who have had to be in charge most of their adult life can find it difficult to let go of control. Others, for whom it has not been safe to let their guards down from early on in life, find it hard to surrender during sex with a partner. Similarly, many individuals find it impossible to halt their cognitive minds during partner sex. This is usually due to the habit of always being in thinking mode when interacting with another adult. And nobody can think and climax at the same time.
Men or women, who have been single for a while, may have gotten accustomed to solitary sex, and it can take some practice and reconditioning in order to have sex and orgasm with a partner again.
It is well known that a large percentage of women find it very hard to achieve an orgasm during intercourse. The underlying reasons for the lack of orgasm are rooted in the mind as well as the body.
It is beyond the scope of this article to discuss the numerous psychological factors that may impact a woman’s ability to climax. I will only touch on the topic of the power differential that exists between any two people having sex. The difference in power, which can be tiny, creates a polarity that mediates a sexual charge. If used wisely, this polarity can create magic. However, unless the divergence in power is communicated clearly and agreed upon, it can very much work against you as a woman trying to obtain an orgasm.
From a physiological point of view, there is the simple fact that the physical stimulation during intercourse may not be sufficient to bring you to orgasm. Most women, besides the need to feel safe, require special attention, manually or orally, to be able to climax. But the myth that a woman is supposed to climax during intercourse is still alive, and it is a source of much suffering for many women.
A tad off the beaten path
“I dream about being spanked by my wife, is it normal? Does this desire mean that I was spanked as a child and got turned on by it?”
“I get turned on by wearing my girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s underwear, is it normal? Does it mean I was born in the wrong body?”
“I love when my boyfriend is a bit rough in bed, is it normal? Does it mean I am not a good feminist?”
As long as two consenting adults agree to engage in a sexual encounter that is not harmful to either one of the parties, and the action fulfills each person’s desire, who is to decide that what they are doing is right or wrong?
Spanking, cross-dressing, a bit of loving roughness; aren’t these things we seek out to watch and be entertained by in theaters and movies? For some people, sex is adult play, and a bit of titillating role-play, plus benign punishment does not have to be rooted in an erotized childhood experience. Similarly, cross-dressing has been in fashion since the days of William Shakespeare; suggesting it is something that appeals to many people as a source of entertainment, or as a way to access and express parts of you that cannot be exhibited in daily life. Human beings are multifaceted, and while life requires that we act as professional and responsible adults, it is important to find healthy outlets for the less visible parts in order to stay mentally and physically well.
“I like to see a dominatrix from time to time, is it normal?”
Seeing a dominatrix is for many people, men and women alike, a place to get a pause from their responsibilities, and to not be in charge for an hour or two. It is not uncommon that individuals with stressful jobs find a bit of respite in an hour with a professional woman who takes charge. It is of course also a place to safely play out certain fantasies. These fantasies do not have to be rooted in childhood trauma; fantasies are for adults what fairy tales are for children. There might be cases where certain fantasies can be related to childhood events, but not necessarily bad ones.
Scents- source of pleasure or pain
“I get turned on by a sweaty armpit, am I normal?”
Humans have odors, and we all like different kinds of smell. I am sure you have experienced somebody with a perfume that made you nauseous, but that person’s partner may be crazy about her or his scent. In a similar fashion, you might like to make love to your partner when he or she has just finished an intense workout, or you go crazy when you smell your partner after a stressful, perspiring day in the office. There is no correct preference for smell; it is a subjective taste that may trigger your sexual desire, and it cannot be compared or judged.
“When I smell a certain aftershave I clam up, am I normal?”
The flip side of being aroused by a smell are the fragrances that can turn you off, or even worse, stop you in your tracks and literally make you clam up. This type of reaction can be associated with an unpleasant sexual encounter, or more seriously, a traumatic event. The trauma can be related to sex, but not necessarily. However, because smell is linked to such a potent survival mechanism in the brain, the association between a fragrance and a trauma can trigger a physiological and emotional reaction any time there is exposure to the smell. If the trigger is activated during a sexual event, your whole body might shut down as a protective measure, because the brain thinks there is danger.
The brain organizes most of its content via associations, and smells carry a great deal of our history by their strong link to places, people and events; good and bad. A whiff of a scent associated with a bad event can prompt physiological reactions such as nausea, stomachache, back pain or sexual shut down. On the other hand, a positive association to a smell can trigger mouthwatering desire for certain foods, ripples of pleasure or pangs of sexual arousal.
If you are struggling with a negative association to certain fragrances that repeatedly interrupts your sexual expression, it can be helpful to seek professional help. A sex positive therapist can help you explore what may be the source of your triggers, and can help you heal by teaching you how to separate the past trauma from the present reality.
Balance
Adult life is stressful and serious and many people suffer from health problems. We can all do our part to stay healthy, and the most obvious approach to that is to eat healthy and exercise. However, that is only part of the wellness equation. Rarely do we see billboards, or signs in a doctor’s office that says; “Respect your sexuality” or “Express your sexual fantasies,” or “An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.”
If the goal is to obtain balance and be pain-free, we need to add a fulfilling sex life to the good eating and exercise habits.
You can have sex with yourself or a partner, daily or monthly, there is no correct frequency. The key is not to deny or repress your sexual preferences out of fear of being different, as it may eventually be a source of internal turmoil and distress. To prevent the inner disharmony from becoming emotional and/or physical pain, it is essential to acknowledge and respect your sexual needs and desires non-judgmentally.