I want to be in a relationship where I get to be alone most of the time.

“I want to be in a relationship where I get to be alone most of the time.” – This might sound like an oxymoron, but think about it for a moment.  We live in times where the demands on us are huge and there is never enough time for everything. This means we are always forced to make choices and prioritize where to spend our time.

Men are lonely

It is a current trend that married men in their 30s and 40s are lonely as they have let go of their male friends. Job, kids, wife and aging parents have taken over and there is no longer time to hang out with the guys, play golf or go to the gym. As a result, they often gain weight, feel tired, cranky and unattractive.

Women are tired

Women are more likely to maintain their friendships with other women, but they have other issues, depending on whether they are full time or working mothers. In either case, they might feel that they never have time to themselves, life is an endless run on the hamster-wheel, and similar to the men, they gain weight, feel tired, irritable and less desirable.

The relationship starts suffering

While both men and women are making noble choices by putting spouse and obligations before themselves, it is a slippery slope for the relationship. Little by little, there is more bickering, less sex, patience, compassion and consideration, and things start to go sour. Every relationship is a result of what we bring to the table every day. If one or both partners in a romantic relationship are weighed down by chores and responsibilities, with no room for recharging, the relationship might become part of the divorce statistic.

Time alone

It is important, for each person in the relationship, to ponder and become aware of what it is that you need in order to recharge. While this is different for everybody, there is one thing I frequently hear from clients; the need for alone time. This need pertains to all age groups from their 20s to their 70s, and yet, hardly anybody dares to ask their partner for what they crave. They are concerned that the partner will perceive it as a rejection or lack of desire for them. What they fail to recognize is the fact that the spouse or partner might feel exactly the same way.  Having alone time doesn’t mean doing anything “crazy,” it simply means doing what you desire to do without having to answer or relate to anybody. It can mean reading a book, taking a walk, going to the gym, playing golf, going for a drive or simply doing nothing but staring out the window.

Benefits of alone time

On a deeper level, alone time allows you to reconnect with yourself, making sure you are true to your values, and that you are not losing yourself by merging with the other person.

There is no we, until there is an I.Unknown Author

Alone time also stirs up the brain in a good way. The brain thrives on change and when we get stuck in routines and togetherness, the brain can get dull.  Besides feeling foggy or slow, dullness of the brain can also manifest in the body as sickness, fatigue, stiffness or pain. In other words, having time alone helps to keep the brain sharp, and the body healthy and balanced.

So if you haven’t done so already, discuss with your partner the need for time apart. It will strengthen the trust, allow you to miss each other, and make it more exciting to actually be together.

The alone time can serve as a motivator to get in shape, take care of yourself, and thus be a better version of yourself, which in turn will make you a better partner and parent. It will also promote better overall health because if the stress-level goes down a tad, the stress hormone cortisol will drop and this will have a positive impact on blood pressure, cholesterol, belly fat, and your heart.

In summary, alone time might save your relationship, your sex life and your health.